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6/13/2008
James Wigderson: It's roses or a wood chipper
A few years ago I was getting my hair cut at the salon where my wife goes and I noticed the cover of Redbook saying they knew what men secretly want for Father’s Day. Now, most men at this point are rolling their eyes knowing full well that not only doesn’t Redbook know what most men want for Father’s Day, but we believe women really don’t care what we want for Father’s Day.
Redbook suggested sending Dad flowers.
Every year I get asked what I want for Father’s Day. Every year my first response is always the same. “How about a day of peace and quiet, with nobody bothering me?” Inevitably, this suggestion is not taken seriously as I have two small children. Unfortunately, a discussion of gifts becomes necessary.
“How about a wood-chipper?” I’ve offered this suggestion (I thought quite helpfully) only to be asked, “What would you do with it?”
“Chip wood, of course.”
“We don’t have enough trees.” And with that, my helpful suggestion is quickly shot down, as are all my other suggestions. They are either too expensive, or I’m told I don’t need it. I’m tempted to suggest flowers.
Then comes the other discussion.
“What are we going to get your dad for Father’s Day?” My dad has reached an age where he suddenly expects presents again. The problem is that most good gift ideas don’t really apply to someone who has recently retired. He has a problem working his DVD player, and he almost never watches movies, so that’s out. He hasn’t read a book in years. He has better tools than I do.
My idea of being completely left alone for a day no longer applies either. He doesn’t have any kids at home. He already has peace and quiet.
“Can we give him one of the children?” I suggest to my wife, thinking we could kill two birds with one stone. He gets a gift, and I get some quiet time.
“That’s not funny.” Well, I tried.
A conversation with my brother about dad usually isn’t too productive either.
“What do you want to get dad?”
“I dunno.”
“I dunno either.”
“Let’s ask Mom.”
Mom has an answer, of course, just as my wife knows what I want for Father’s Day.
Finally, this year I made a decision. My son is now old enough that a day spent with him at the movies will make him happy that he did something with dad for Father’s Day. And I will get that most precious gift of all – a nap. I expect to be sound asleep by the end of the opening credits.
And ladies, if you do buy your husband flowers for Father’s Day, make sure a wood chipper is attached.
James Wigderson is the father of two and blogs at Wigderson’s Library & Pub.
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• Important votes Tuesday, including Appleton Common Council
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